where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize