It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Randomize
