dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
