somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
