I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
high people should be assigned attendants
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
