he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
