No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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