Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
