I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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