I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
