you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
