i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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