I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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