Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
