it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
