all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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