final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
How does it feel to date your dad?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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