yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
