I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
