Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
