Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
