When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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