so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize