It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
