Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
