I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
