Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She's the barista slut.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
