She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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