I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
