if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wish I only lived at night.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
