I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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