I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
