I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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