Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
