My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
