I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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