I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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