why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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