I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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