i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
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