mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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