I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
