He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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