There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
