He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize