she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
