I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
