this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
