Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
