I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
