why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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