I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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