i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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