You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
