i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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