i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
