We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
