My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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