the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
