and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
