I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
