Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
