There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
